Gone

I retain the copyright to this original poem I wrote in 1996.   It was chosen in spring 1997 to be published in the student publication "The Lighter" at Valparaiso University.

This is a very special poem for me.  It was very cathartic at the time.  This poem is harkens back to  that unforgettable fifth grade year, the year of the mean girl and other events.  That is the year I pretty much lost my voice in public (really, mostly just in school. Sometimes at church, because that situation was a small version of school.)  

Gone

When people feel socially anxious, they may have more difficulty remembering . . . worrisome thoughts may interfere with thinking.  - Leary and Kowalski, Social Anxiety

So much to say,

I want to talk -
share my thoughts;

I do.

Maybe you don't think so.  

I know you don't.   

Everything that comes out of my mouth

sounds wrong

                 stupid

if sound does come out. 

My throat chokes shut.

Everyone's attention is on me.

I cannot think of the answer.

I knew it a moment ago.

I swear I did.

Please don't call on me anymore

I will forget. 

It happens every time.  

Everything depends on what I say -

I don't know what to say. 

                 blank

Beating so hard, my heart

hurts.  My voice - 

gone.

All swept away - 

Everyone is looking at me. 

I have to say something

intelligent.

Now.
Otherwise I will 

really look - 

                 void

They will laugh. 

I just know it.

They will.

I'll feel stupid.

               everybody's waiting

I hear them laugh.